Pro:  I'm alive. Spiders haven't gotten me yet. Con: This above article is an actual news story.

I mean I love me some Jessica, but wow. I don't know what is sadder, the fact that this is a story, or the fact that I already knew about it before it went up on Us Weekly's website today. Not only that, I cut out the article, highlighted and told the story of Jessica's fart at OK!'s editor news update meeting yesterday.

Making my parents proud they paid for an Ivy League education, one celebrity item at a time.